If Jesus were a Republican …

A recent archaeological dig at the very lowest level of Wall Street, in New York City, recently turned up an ancient manuscript, which was discovered to have an alternative version of Jesus’ encounter with the paralytic and his four friends as found in Mark 2:1-12.

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The Lazy Paralytic

1. When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at his home. 2. So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them. 3. Then some people came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them.  4. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. 5. When Jesus saw this he grew angry, “Why did you wreck my roof?  Do you have any idea how much that cost to install?  Do you know how many tables and chairs I had to make in my carpentry shop to pay for that roof?  The reeds alone cost five talents.  I had them carted in from Bethany.”  6. The disciples had never seen Jesus so angry about his possessions.  He continued, “This house is my life.  And the roof is the best part.”  The disciples fell silent.   7. “It’s bad enough that you trash my private property, now you want me to heal you?” said Jesus, “And did you not see the stone walls around this house?”  “Yes,” said the man’s friends.  “Are these not the stone walls common to the towns and villages of Galilee?”  8. “No,” Jesus answered.  “This is a gated community.  How did you get in?”  The man’s friends grew silent.  9. Then Jesus turned and said to the paralytic, “Besides, can’t you take care of your own health problems?  I’m sure that your family can care for you, or maybe the synagogue can help out.”  10. “No, Lord,” answered the man’s friends.  “There is no one.  His injuries are too severe.  To whom else can we go?”  11. “Well, not me,” said Jesus.  “What would happen if I provided access to free health care for everyone?  That would mean that people would not only get lazy and entitled, but they would take advantage of the system.  12. Besides, look at me: I’m healthy. And you know why?  Because I worked hard for my money, and took care of myself.”  The paralyzed man then grew sad and he addressed Jesus.  “But I did work, Lord,” said the paralytic.  “Until an accident rendered me paralyzed.”  “Yes,” said the man’s friends. “He worked very hard.”  13. “Well,” said Jesus, “That’s just part of life, isn’t it?”  “Then what am I to do, Lord?” said the paralytic.  “I don’t know.  Why don’t you sell your mat?”  14. All in the crowd then grew sad.  “Actually, you know what you can do?” said Jesus. “You can reimburse me for my roof.  Or I’ll sue you.” And all were amazed.  15. “We have never seen anything like this,” said the crowd.

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     Having read the newly-discovered version, you may now wish to read the original version.

 Jesus Heals a Paralytic

When [Jesus] returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. 2So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them. 3Then some people came, bringing to him a paralysed man, carried by four of them. 4And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. 5When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’ 6Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning in their hearts, 7‘Why does this fellow speak in this way? It is blasphemy! Who can forgive sins but God alone?’ 8At once Jesus perceived in his spirit that they were discussing these questions among themselves; and he said to them, ‘Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? 9Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven”, or to say, “Stand up and take your mat and walk”? 10But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he said to the paralytic— 11‘I say to you, stand up, take your mat and go to your home.’ 12And he stood up, and immediately took the mat and went out before all of them; so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, ‘We have never seen anything like this!’

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 The original source of the “revised” version of Mark 2:1-12 was originally published in the blog belonging to the Jesuit magazine, America, and written by James Martin, SJ. You can find that blog at this web address …

http://www.americamagazine.org/blog/entry.cfm?blog_id=2&entry_id=5312

where you will also find altered versions of two other gospel stories: “The Very Poorly Prepared Crowd” (more commonly called the Feeding of the 5000—Luke 9:12-17), and “The Rich and Therefore Blessed Young Man” (more commonly called The Rich Young Ruler—Mark 10:17-27).

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If you have been following US politics, you will recognize in the altered versions of the stories the ethos of the present incarnation of the Republican Party (once the party of Abraham Lincoln), and more specifically of its vice-presidential nominee apparent, Paul Ryan. When The National Post calls the US election campaign the dirtiest in history, we do well to take note. It is a campaign in which, on the Republican side, in spite of its stated commitment to a Christian America, more credence is given to the philosophy of libertarian Ayn Rand than to the gospel of Jesus.

 

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One Response to If Jesus were a Republican …

  1. Connie Burns says:

    Don, I will have to read more of your posts!!! Loved the Republican gospel version.
    I am truly frightened if the Republican party wins the election: not only the presidency but also majorities in the two houses of Congress. The “America” that I knew, which did include Republicans, even liberal ones, until they were shunned by their party in the early 60s, will vanish into the most self-centered, privileged [cohort] (by power of $$$$), counter any human or humane values. I don’t want to believe that self-interest and control issues will destroy (or, perhaps, has already destroyed) the ideals of the writers of the Constitution.
    Connie and Tandem

    PS I am a dual national of Canada and the US. I lived the first 25 years of my life in the US and have lived the remaining ones in Canada. I identify myself as a Northwester, and I have the webbed feet to prove it.

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