PREPARING FOR YOUR WEDDING … PREPARING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

Isn’t this a gorgeous photograph? It was taken just after the wedding of Sarah and Tim, in September 2009, on Denman Island, as they rowed to another place on the island for the post-wedding photos. It perfectly illustrates something I like to say at weddings, quoting an old Appalachian folk song:

	Give me a boat that shall carry two, And both shall row, my love and I.
Photo: Jennifer Echols

Typically I have said that if both row, the boat goes forward; if only one rows, the boat will go in circles, and if neither rows, the boat will drift. However, when I saw Sarah and Tim in the boat, I realized that in using this image I had been thinking of the rowboats at camp when I was a teenager--boats which were designed to accommodate two rowers sitting side by side and facing in the same direction. But here only one is rowing—and yes, there are times in a marriage when only one can or will row, and times when it falls to the other partner to row. A fruitful metaphor!

For human beings (or, better, human becomings!), relationship is essential. We become who we are to become in relationship with others. In our historical time in the West, marked by the decline of institutional religion, as indeed by the decline of popular trust in all institutions, and by the rise of individualism (not a good word in my vocabulary—but individuality is), the intimate relationship in whatever form it takes has become for huge numbers, if not the majority, the dimension of their lives which carries the most meaning. For many, in fact, marriage or its equivalent provides the horizon or boundary of meaning which religion used to provide.

We all know as well that marriage is challenging, a great school of love and growth in honesty and authenticity from which, once admitted to it, we never graduate! This is true in any age; but in our own age, the forces of individualism and consumerism bear down heavily on the nuclear family, which is frequently unable to resist them; and so they contribute to the massive number of marriages which in our time end in divorce (always sad, sometimes necessary).

I believe, in fact, that in years to come, the nuclear family as it appeared in the 20th century will be seen as a kind of blip, and that we are on the edge, in our culture, of the rebirth of the extended family, in new forms (but don’t get me started, that’s another story!). All I’ll say here is that over the centuries, the extended family oversaw the marriages of the young until they were stable, sometimes, admittedly, in an oppressive way, but often in a helpful and encouraging way, whereas for many in our time, the nuclear family has not been strong enough on its own to bear the pressures put upon it by our culture. Even so, people keep entering into marriage because of the great gifts it can but is not guaranteed to offer: deep intimacy, ongoing sexual exchange, commitment and support. The word “love” in this context is really an umbrella term for all these realities. Falling or being “in love” is then a way of two people saying to each other that they see a shared future for themselves in which all these possibilities may be realized.

In the way I do marriage preparation, I try to take all these dimensions into account. Over the years, I have developed an approach which enables me to work with a sense of responsibility with couples preparing for their weddings, and seems also to work well for the couples themselves. We have four meetings or times together, structured as follows:

(1) Introductory: how you met, what you see in each other, views, images and experiences of marriage; hopes and dreams; how marriage works (or doesn't work!) in our culture

(2) Major themes: communication, families of origin, children, sexuality, finance (following the taking of the marriage prep course at which these topics are presented—see below)

(3) The wedding ceremony, first session: the traditional form and its meaning; personal ways in which you may wish to express your own commitments and hopes through the ceremony

(4) The wedding ceremony, second session: finalizing details of the service, and dealing with any additional concerns in preparation for the wedding

Between the first and second meetings, I ask you to take a marriage preparation course, together with other couples preparing for their weddings. It’s a win-win situation: if you learn something, great; if you realize you already know everything you need to know, you can feel great about yourselves.

One course I recommend is offered by the Church of St Francis in the Wood, in West Vancouver (stfrancisinthewood.ca/marriage.html). Another possibility is the Communicating to Connect program, a program new as of 2012. You can contact its directors, Barbara Casson and Marcia Choi, at cassonandchoi.com/marriageprep

Once you have taken one of these “basic” courses, you may also wish, before or after your wedding, to take an “advanced” course. A school of counseling with a lot to offer in this regard is the Imago school, begun by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. An Imago Pre-Marital Workshop is offered in Vancouver by Diana Kollar, MA, RCC. You can see what she is offering at DianaKollar.ca

The rehearsal is held an evening or two before the wedding ceremony itself, often followed by a dinner for the participants in the ceremony. Special note! If you haven’t already given it to me, bring the marriage license to the rehearsal. As a courtesy, please remember to send or bring me an invitation to the wedding, both so that I may see how you are presenting the occasion to those who will be there, and also to give me the opportunity to let you know if I will be bringing a guest to the reception.

I also invite you to contact me around the time of your first anniversary, for a marital check-in. If you are doing well, we will all rejoice in that. If difficulties have appeared, I will refer you to a marriage counselor in whom I have confidence. Please note: it's up to you to contact me, so that I will know that this is something you are ready to do. The fees for these services are as follows: Regular fee, $950, payable in two equal instalments, at the second and fourth interviews (plus expenses, if any). For former students and former parishioners, $475, payable at the last interview (plus expenses, if any).

Photo of myself taken at Sarah and Tim’s wedding, September 2009. Photo: Jennifer Echols

As regards the fees, it may interest you to know that according to a recent survey (The Globe and Mail, June 25, 2011, page F10), the average wedding in Canada these days costs between $20,000 and $30,000. This may help you put the fees stated here in context!

If you are disabled or unemployed: no fee, except for expenses, if any.

For the marriage prep courses, a fee payable directly to them.

For the church or other location in which the wedding ceremony will take place, fees as locally set.

Contact me if you have any questions about any of this, or if you want to start working together; and all good things to you as you look forward to your life together.

… for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for the rest of our lives...

Flowers on a hillside near Fontpédrouse, Pyrénées-Orientales, France.